A Strange Journey
by Mako Headrush
Summary: Crossover of sorts - FF7 meets Rocky Horror Picture Show.  I know, it's whacked, but it'll be FUN, I promise!  XD   Zack and Reno see a light...over at Sephiroth's place...  Yaoi, lemons, language, and insanity to follow.  Rated M for safety.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This fic is going to be a crossover of sorts. I'm taking the characters from Final Fantasy 7 (both the game and the movie), and inserting them into the world of Rocky Horror Picture Show. I am writing this for NaNoWriMo 2010, and I will admit...it's probably the most screwed up FF7 fic idea I've ever come up with. :) But I plan on having fun with it, and hopefully seeing it through to the end, and winning by reaching 50,000 words in 30 days!**

**Cast of Characters (I will refer to them by their FF7 character names in my story, though) -**

**Frank N Furter – Sephiroth  
****Riff Raff – Cid  
****Magenta – Tifa  
****Columbia – Yuffie  
****Janet – Reno (um…Janet Reno? LOL. I swear, I didn't realize the irony until I typed this out!)  
****Brad – Zack  
****Rocky – Cloud  
****Dr. Scott – Hojo, of course!  
****Eddie – Vincent Valentine  
****The Crim (narrator) – Genesis**

**Each chapter will begin with a little intro by The Crim/Genesis, and then the main (third person) narrative will follow. **

**Um…this is about to get totally corny as hell. As one might expect, in bringing these two worlds together…what the hell was I thinking? XD**

**Warnings for this chapter: Yaoi, language, mild lemon**

**

* * *

**

_Scene: Just after midnight. A solitary male figure is seated on a tufted velvet chaise lounge, covered in black velvet. He is studying a large, well-worn leather-bound book, turning pages, and frowning as he reads certain passages._

_And so begins our tale…_

* * *

_**Good evening, fair wanderers. I am Genesis Rhapsodos, your host…author, poet, criminologist extraordinaire. We begin this strange, incredible journey into the mind of a madman…with a look at those lives he touched...some in unspeakable ways. **_

_**Our story begins - oddly enough - on a dark and stormy night. Two lovers –young, innocent… and blissfully ignorant of the evil and perversion that awaits them…embark on a strange journey. **_

_**A journey…into fear, depravity, and madness…**_

_**

* * *

**_

"That was some wedding, yo," remarked Reno, as he sat in the passenger seat of Zack Fair's convertible. Zack and Reno, newly dating, had just left the wedding celebration of two old friends, Cissnei and Kunsel.

The wedding was like most others that either of them had been to, except – this was the first wedding Zack and Reno had attended as a 'couple.' Their friends there had greeted them with congratulations, and sly remarks and innuendo, most of which went right over Zack's oblivious head. He wasn't lacking intelligence, by any means, but could best be described as obtuse. Zack's redheaded Turk boyfriend was a bit more worldly than Zack, but kept up the pretense of being more innocent than he actually was. Why Reno kept up this illusion, he wasn't entirely sure, but playing games and…fibbing a bit, was quite simply second nature to him.

"Huh?" Zack replied, distractedly, as he squinted through the windshield. It was growing dark, and visibility was growing poor, due to a settling fog. "Oh yeah, the wedding. It was pretty nice, huh? Makes you think about how our wedding will be, right babe?"

"Our wedding?" echoed Reno. _Did Zack just say what I think he said? _"Um…sure," smiled Reno, playing along. "Makes you…think a bit…" Reno honestly wasn't sure how to respond to that. He and Zack had yet to consummate their relationship, so Zack's cursory mention of marriage took Reno quite by surprise. They had fooled around some, but Zack was always the one to put on the brakes before things got "too heavy." Reno was starting to think his SOLDIER boyfriend was either impotent, or a cocktease – possibly a bit of both.

Smiling, Zack took his hand off the steering wheel, and ruffled Reno's thatch of red hair, pausing to play with the ponytail. "Hey, why don't we pull off the highway, somewhere…maybe get a room?" Zack paused, hoping that Reno would get the hint. Thus far, Zack had been clumsy and awkward about making the first move, and Reno was simply lazy when it came to relationships. He'd never really had one that lasted longer than a few months, before he got bored and moved on. Zack was…different, somehow. Of course, the fact that he was a fine specimen of manhood was not completely lost on Reno. Zack had these arms that look like they'd crush a man in two; not to mention, azure eyes you could get lost in, raven hair…Reno started daydreaming about all of Zack's fine attributes, plus a few others he had yet to see, when he suddenly realized that Zack was talking to him.

"Reno, are you listening?" Zack demanded icily, breaking into Reno's reveries. _Really, Reno can be most irritating with how he tunes me out sometimes…_

"Wha? Sorry, Zack," Reno grinned. "I was just thinking about what you look like naked." _Why lie?_ Reno thought, smirking.

"Reeeeeno!" Zack protested, blushing. What was it about this redheaded Turk that made him so damned nervous about going all the way? They'd made out a bunch of times, did some awkward groping and fondling, but hadn't gotten further than that. _There was that one time,_ Zack recalled, _where Reno started grinding against me, and I freaked out. He must think I'm a total square._ The truth was, Zack wanted nothing better than to just pull the damned car over, rip Reno's clothes off, and just _take_ him, but…he hesitated.

_No, no more of this shit_, Zack told himself. _Strike while the iron is hot…or…hard_, he pondered as he glanced down at the bulge in his pants.

"Reno, I'm pulling over," Zack muttered, jerking the wheel to the right and directing the vehicle over to the shoulder of the road.

"Whassa matter, Zack, you gotta take a piss?" asked Reno, leaning back in his seat.

"No," Zack replied evenly, leaning over the gearshift and moving across the driver's seat toward Reno. "The rain's getting heavier out here, and I'm having trouble seeing….and," he continued, moving his hand in between Reno's legs, "I thought we could…wait it out, or something."

_Gods, it's about fucking time, Fair!_ Reno thought. He thrusted his pelvis toward Zack's groping hand, and, grabbing Zack by the hair, pulled him in closer him for a heated kiss.

"I've been waiting for you to put the moves on me, Zacky boy," teased Reno. "What the hell took you so long?"

"Me?" Zack replied, surprised. "I thought you were more…um, experienced than me, Reno," he said shyly. _Gods, this is awkward…_

"Well, I don't know about that," replied Reno, downplaying how much 'experience' he actually had. "I thought you would show _me_ the way, Daddy."

"Ohhhh," Zack said slowly. "So it's like that, huh?" _Shit. Either Reno is not as experienced as I thought he was, or….I don't know what. _Zack slid over the console, and got into the backseat of the car. He could hear the rain pelting down heavily on the ragtop of the convertible. "Get back here, kitten," Zack commanded Reno, tugging on his arm and pulling him back.

"Now we're talkin'," cracked the redheaded Turk. He practically bounded into the backseat, straddling Zack, who was sitting up. Reno moved in and wrapped his arms around Zack's broad shoulders, and began nuzzling and purring against his neck, eliciting an appreciative groan from Zack. _Funny, I never liked guys with big muscles_, Reno mused_. Although, there's only one muscle that really matters._

Reno laughed aloud at the last thought.

"What, Reno?" Zack asked, wondering what in the world Reno could be laughing at, during a moment like _this_. "Is something wrong?"

"No, nothing's wrong, daddy," Reno purred, gliding his hands over Zack's muscular chest. Reno was dismayed to see Zack just…sitting there, and not doing much. _Shit_, Reno thought. _Zack really doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. Not that I know a shit ton, but still. I'm going to have to show him the fucking ropes? This fucking sucks._

"Let's take our clothes off, yo," Reno suggested. "It's getting steamy in here." Indeed it was, as the windows were becoming fogged up with their breath.

"Okay," agreed Zack_. Maybe I should undress him first_, Zack thought. _Yeah. That's what I'll do._

Trying to appear sure of himself, Zack ran his calloused hands up the inside of Reno's shirt, running them over the lean musculature that resided beneath. Reno gasped at the sensation of Zack's sword-roughened hands rasping against the smooth skin of his back.

"Yeah," Reno whispered. "That feels nice, yo." Out of the corner of his eye, Reno saw a light through the rear window of the car, as Zack pulled Reno in toward him, still moving his exploring hands all over Reno's torso. The light drew nearer, as Reno stared out the window…coming ever closer to the car…

"Shit, Zack, that fucker's going to hit us!" Reno yelped as a motorcycle speeding by nearly sideswiped the convertible. "What the fuck!" Zack yelled, frowning. He hastily extricated himself from Reno, and moved back into the front seat. Reno followed suit, pulling his shirt back on, and trying to catch his breath. "Fucking blue balls now," he muttered.

"Yeah, I know," Zack replied, rolling his eyes. "Me too. That fucker! What the hell!" Looking out the driver's side window, Zack saw another motorcycle speed by, just a little too close, but not close enough to hit their vehicle…then another…and another…and another. At least a dozen such motorcycles sped by, obviously all in a hurry to get somewhere.

"What the hell, yo!" Reno protested. "What the fuck's going on with all these motorcycles?"

"Don't know," answered Zack. "But I'd certainly like to find out." Suddenly the skies opened up, and the rain came down even harder. "Oh, for fuck's sake!" complained Zack. "Well…maybe we should try to find a place to crash, Reno. This rain isn't really letting up."

"Yeah, I guess we should," grumbled Reno. "But I would rather stay here and finish what we started."

"We will later, don't you worry," Zack said, smiling at Reno. He started the car and shifted it into gear, driving slowly, as the pelting rain was making visibility extremely poor. They crept along like that for a mile or so, when Reno suddenly noticed….a light.

_A light. _

"Yo, Zack, hold up!" Reno shouted excitedly. "I think it's a house! A…really big house, maybe," he muttered.

"Yeah, I see it!" exclaimed Zack. "Is that a….castle?"

"That is a weird, big-ass window there, yo," commented Reno. "It looks like a giant fucking onion."

Zack laughed at this. "Yeah, it does! Hey…I see a bunch of motorcycles parked around here. Must be some kind of party?"

"Or an asshole convention," Reno remarked dryly.

"Well, it doesn't look too bad," Zack observed, pulling into the driveway and parking near the castle. Let's go in, see if we can ask them to stay the night. How bad can it be, right? It's a freaking castle!" Zack chortled.

"Yeah, I'm sure it'll be fine," Reno replied apathetically. Suddenly he was starting to have a very bad feeling about this.

_Yeah…it'll be fine…just a bunch of motorcycle riding assholes having a party, right?_

…_.Right._


	2. Chapter 2

**Each chapter, as I write, seems to be getting sillier and sillier. That's part of the campy charm of RHPS though, right? :)**

**Warnings for this chapter: Language, mostly. And Sephiroth is REALLY OOC - but, that's to be expected, since he's channeling Frank N Furter. **

**Disclaimers: I don't own Rocky Horror OR Final Fantasy. Sadly. this story is only written for fun.**

**Please read and review!**

_**

* * *

**_

_**[**__**Genesis]**_

_**And so fate smiled kindly upon Zack and Reno, or so it seemed…a light in the darkness, some shelter from the storm…could this be a bit of good fortune thrown their way?**_

_**Or….not.**_

_**

* * *

**_

Zack and Reno exited the convertible, and it seemed as if the rain pelted them even harder the minute they set foot outside the car. They hurried along, trying to stay dry under a bank of fir trees lining the driveway, but their efforts were futile; both were soaked to the bone within minutes. "Zack, I'm all _wet_!" whined Reno. "My hair's getting flat!"

"What the hell do you think mine looks like?" muttered Zack. "Look, it's not that much further, let's just make a run for it. And stop bitching, for Gaia's sake!" he snapped.

"Don't get mad at me, daddy," sniffled Reno, trying his best to look pathetic. Zack glanced over; Reno did look truly miserable, he almost looked like a drowned red cat, his clothes and hair completely saturated at this point.

"Hey, I'm sorry, baby," Zack murmured comfortingly, wrapping an arm around Reno, who was biting his lip to keep from giggling. "Come on, it's dry inside, right? We're almost there."

They made their way to the front doors, which were thankfully covered by a portico, which provided a bit of coverage from the ceaseless downpour. Zack looked around for a doorbell, but saw nothing. He then noticed a brass door knocker shaped like a male phallus. "Um…well…this is different," Zack blushed, as he grabbed the brass phallus and began knocking. Reno craned his neck over to see, and laughed aloud when he saw what the door knocker was made to resemble. "Oh Gaia, that is too much," he sniggered. "You know, that's making me incredibly horny watching you do that, Zack."

Zack turned an even deeper crimson, but said nothing, just continued knocking…once, twice, three times. The sound seemed to reverberate within the castle, as if it was a giant cavern.

"Echo…echo…echo…" Reno babbled, giggling.

"_Shut up_, Reno!" Zack hissed. "I'm trying to hear if someone is coming—"

The door creaked open, and a tall, pale, and slightly hunched over man with a short blond crew cut, was there to greet them. "Hello," he said gruffly, a cigar hanging from his mouth. "Whaddaya want."

"Um…hi," stuttered Zack, taken aback by the man's unfriendly demeanor. "We, um…got caught in the storm out there, and we were wondering…"

"Can we dry out for a bit, yo?" Reno inquired, shivering. "I'm really, really, wet." _And horny_, he thought, hiding a grin. _Oh shit…_

"Yeah, sure. Right this way," replied the man, opening the door a bit wider. "I'm Cid," he informed the pair. "And you are?"

"I'm Zack, and this is Reno," replied Zack, in what he hoped was a friendly tone. He was starting to feel a bit uncertain about how wise it had been to enter the castle. _This...butler guy, or whatever he is…he's kinda weird._

"Zack and Reno," Cid echoed, staring back at the two. "Zack and Reno," he continued. "Are you two…lovers, perchance?"

"That's kind of a personal question!" Zack retorted. _What the hell is going on here?_ Reno, meanwhile, was turning crimson, trying not to laugh out loud, or otherwise piss off Zack more than he already had.

"I can tell by your reply," smiled Cid, "that you are indeed. The master will be well pleased with this, won't he, sister?" Turning toward the staircase, Cid addressed a petite brunette – apparently a maid, by the looks of her outfit, who was poised at the top of the stairs. "Who are they, Cid?" she demanded, sounding a bit hostile, as she tossed her long, chestnut hair almost defiantly over her shoulder.

"They are…our guests, apparently," replied Cid, as he continued leading Zack and Reno down the long hallway. "Two weary travelers, seeking shelter from the storm. Dearest Tifa, won't you come down and greet them?"

"Well!" Tifa laughed. "Aren't we just so LUCKY to have you here!" With that, she slid down the bannister, and fell on her ass at the bottom. "Shit," she muttered, as she hastily picked herself up from the floor. "I always _do_ that!"

"So," Tifa began, addressing Zack and Reno, "are you here for the master's function?"

"What function?" Zack inquired, bewildered. "Who's the master?"

"Who's the master, he says," laughed Tifa. "Who's the master! Wouldn't you like to know."

"Yes, we _would_ like to know," Reno cut in. _What the fuck is this chick's problem? Either she's a bitch, or she's drunk. Possibly both._

"You'll meet the master shortly," replied Cid. "He is…the owner of this fine establishment. And tonight, is a very special night."

"Oh? Is there a party going on?" Zack inquired. "We saw a bunch of motorcycles outside…"

"Yes," Cid replied shortly. "It's a celebration…an unveiling…a testament, to the master's GENIUS."

"Well, that sounds nice," Zack said politely. "What does the master…do, exactly?"

"The real question is," Tifa cut in, cackling, "is _who_ does the master do!" She began laughing hysterically at her own joke.

"Huh?" Reno and Zack said simultaneously. They gave each other a look, and decided to hang back a bit behind Cid and Tifa, who were still leading them down an impossibly long hallway.

"_Zack_!" Reno hissed under his breath, clutching at Zack's arm. "Something is wrong with these people! They are fucking weird. I mean, I'm fucking weird, but these two, are fucking _weird_, if you know what I mean."

"Yeah, amazingly, I actually do know what you mean, Reno," Zack muttered. "Let's just play along, wait out the storm a bit, and then—then we'll get going."

"Okay," whispered Reno. "Bunch of weird fucks."

Cid suddenly seemed to realize that Zack and Reno had been left behind. "It's this way," he droned, leading them on. "Here are the other …celebrants," Cid droned, as he led Zack and Reno into a large, circular room, almost resembling a ballroom. There were perhaps a dozen individuals in the room, all clad in black, and all wearing masks.

"Oh, let's stop a moment," Cid . Tifa, dearest sister…we should help them get out of these wet clothes, they'll catch their death!"

"Ah yes," replied Tifa, rolling her eyes. "Death." Without warning, Tifa pantsed Reno, while Cid did the same to Zack. Next, they quickly removed the jackets and shirts from both men, and threw them carelessly into a pile, onto a giant throne, that was sitting at the end of the hallway.

"Hey!" Zack protested. "_Hey_! What's going on! What's the meaning of this?" Reno simply stood there glaring at Cid and Tifa, and shivering, his teeth chattering. "It's f-f-fucking cold, yo," he complained.

"Well," Cid replied dryly, "You're not wet anymore, are you?"

"No," retorted Reno. "But now I've got fucking shrinkage." Zack groaned and clapped his hand to his head. _Gods Reno, don't you ever think before you speak? Never mind…I already know the answer to that._

"What is—where is the master, anyway?" stammered Zack. Out of nowhere, a petite ninja with short brown hair cartwheeled in front of Zack and Reno, coming to a stop right in front of Reno. "Think fast!" she shouted, throwing a pair of nunchucks at him. Reno flailed, trying to grab at the flying object, and finally caught it by the tips of his fingers. "What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?" he muttered.

Turning around, the ninja hurled a chakram toward Zack. "Look sharp, blue eyes!" she called. The chakram nearly caught Zack in the eye, before he swiftly put a hand up to stop it.

"It's all fun and games, until someone gets it in the eye," Reno remarked dryly.

"Not fucking funny, Reno!" sputtered Zack. "What the hell is going on here!" he burst out. "Who is she, and why is she throwing shit at us!"

Cid sighed. "This….is Yuffie," he said resignedly.

"Yes, Yuffie," Tifa echoed. "The black sheep of Wutai."

Yuffie glared at both Cid and Tifa. "I'll have both of you know, that _I_ was once favored by the master, unlike either of you! Did he ever invite you to share his—"

"That will be quite enough, Yuffie," Cid snarled, lighting up another cigar. "Oh. How rude of me. Would anyone care for…"

"A smoke?" Reno said excitedly. "Yes, yes, yes! I mean, um…yes, please."

Smiling evilly, Cid stuck a cigar in between Reno's lips and lit it for him. "The master will be pleased with your level of…enthusiasm."

Puffing heavily on the cigar, Reno relaxed a bit. "Yeah," he replied, taking a deep drag on the cigar, "I am very enthusiastic when it comes to nicotine. Thanks for the smoke, yo."

"De nada," replied Cid with a wry grin. "Ah, the master has arrived!" Turning their attention toward an elevator toward the back of the room that was suddenly beginning to make whirring noises, Cid, Tifa, and Yuffie made their way over, waving to Zack and Reno to follow them.

"Ooh, an elevator, Zack," Reno purred. "We could have elevator sex."

"Not _here_," Zack hissed. "I don't plan on staying here any longer than I have to—"

The elevator stopped with a clanging noise, and a tall, silhouetted male figure was seen within; presumably, the master. The man opened the gate, and tottered out on impossibly high stiletto boots.

Zack and Reno just stared after him, their jaws hanging open. "Master!" crowed Yuffie, rushing over to the man, who, with heels, towered over Yuffie by about two feet. "Ah, my little pet," he crooned down at her.

The master was wearing a leather corset and leather hot pants, over torn fishnet stockings; his feet were clad in black patent leather thigh high boots with a five inch heel, bringing the man's full height to nearly seven feet. His hair was waist-length silver silk, and his cat-like green eyes stared relentlessly at the two 'guests.' To say the master was imposing, would be quite an understatement. The riding crop he carried in his right hand only added to this image.

"And who have we here, Cid? Tifa?" the master inquired.

"These are our guests, master," explained Cid. "Wandering travelers, who found their way here."

"Ah," the master replied. "Charmed, I'm sure," he said, winking at Reno and kissing his hand. Zack flinched at this. "Oooh, down boy!" cooed the master. "Don't get all strung out, I was just being friendly!" He ruffled the SOLDIER's hair, causing Zack to glare at him. "What absolutely _lovely_ undergarments you are both wearing, boys," Sephiroth chuckled.

"How rude of me! We haven't made proper introductions. I am Sephiroth, lord of this manor, man of science…and love…" He fluttered his eyelashes coyly at both Reno and Zack.

Zack began introductions. "I'm…Zack, and this is—"

"I'm Reno," Reno cut in, completely mesmerized by Sephiroth_. Goddamn, those are some long fucking legs on that dude_, he thought, licking his lips distractedly.

"Yes, yes, I know who you are," Sephiroth replied indifferently, waving his hand dismissively. "I take it you are here for the unveiling?" he questioned Zack and Reno, still smiling.

"Unveiling?" Zack replied, sounding unsure. "We're just—waiting for the rain to stop—"

"Well, I'm so glad you could make it!" Sephiroth replied, completely ignoring Zack. "Please, stand right over there, and—you may need to shield your eyes from the light, should it be too bright."

"_Again_," Reno hissed quietly to Zack. "What in the blue fuck is going on?"

"How the hell should I know!" Zack snapped. "Just shut up and…play along, I guess! I don't know!"

"Great plan, yo," retorted Reno. "I'm just going to hang out with Cid, here. At least he has some fucking smokes on him."

Sephiroth moved over to a large holding tank on the right hand side of the room. "Cid!" he barked. "I _need_ you." Cid obediently trudged over to the corner, where a large apparatus, almost resembling a furnace was located.

Tossing his flowing silver hair over his shoulder, Sephiroth addressed the crowd. "Tonight! You will all witness my crowning achievement, my glory, my life's work! I have done it, ladies and weirdoes! I have become…a creator, a force, a GIVER OF LIFE!" he shouted theatrically, eyes blazing with green fire. "Cid! Release the valve, NOW!" he screamed.

Rolling his eyes and looking perturbed, Cid dutifully turned a wheel on the boiler unit clockwise, releasing steam as he did so.

Sephiroth ran over to the holding tank, and started cranking switches and levers. Slowly, from within the holding tank, a figure on a platform began to rise, being carried upward, the platform secured by chains that ran all the way up to top of the high ceilings. The figure appeared to be that of a man, wrapped securely in white gauze bandages.

"What the fuck is this shit?" whispered Reno, as he nudged Zack. "Is that a…a…man up there?"

"It looks like it," Zack whispered, unable to take his eyes off of what was happening. "What is this Sephiroth guy doing, anyway?" Zack puzzled.

A rumble of thunder was heard outside, and Sephiroth raised the platform higher and higher, until it was almost at the top of the windowed ceiling. A crash of lightning flashed, and shook the building. It seemed to go right into the platform, the electricity making it jerk and twist precariously.

Zack and Reno both felt the electricity in the air, as the hair on the backs of their necks stood on end. "Gods," Zack whispered. "I think the building got hit by lightning."

Sephiroth, meanwhile, had begun lowering the platform back into the holding tank. Once the figure was fully emerged, Sephiroth began fiddling with more knobs and levers. A bright light was seen from within the tank, and most of the onlookers had to shield their eyes, it was so dazzling.

"Ha ha!" Sephiroth cackled triumphantly. Tifa and Yuffie had moved closer, smiling expectantly at their master.

"I have done it!" Sephiroth crowed insanely. "Yes, I, Sephiroth, have done it! The secret to life! I have found it!" He reached a hand down into the tank, and grasped a gauze-covered hand, and helped the now-animated figure out of the tank.

"Oooh, slow down!" cried Yuffie. "I want to take his picture," she said, fumbling around with her digital camera.

Sephiroth smiled, saying nothing, but continuing to haul this figure, apparently a man, out of the holding tank. The man stood shakily, gauze bandages falling off of his body. Spiked blond hair poked out of the gauze surrounding his head; he reached up and lazily pulled it off. He looked out at the group, blinking his brilliant blue eyes slowly, taking it all in.

"He made a dude?" questioned Reno. "That's pretty wild, yo."

"Pretty wild, Reno?" retorted Zack. "Are you insane? _That's_ insane! Are you kidding me?"

Sephiroth gasped, clasping his hands. "Isn't he magnificent!" he crowed. "Just look at him! I shall name him…Cloud. Your name is Cloud, my sweet," Sephiroth crooned, cupping the man's chin in his hand. "Ah! And tonight, is our wedding night!" Cloud looked blankly at Sephiroth, frowning. Clearly he didn't understand any of what was going on.

"Wedding night?" said Reno. "He made some dude just to…marry him? Now THAT is fucked up, yo."

"What?" Zack said distractedly. "What are you talking about, Reno?"

"Oh, nothing," replied Reno. "Just…well, this isn't something you see every day, ya know."

"Yeah," Zack said dryly. "Believe me. I know."

Sephiroth helped Cloud exit the holding tank, and taking him by the hand, led him around the room to make introductions. "Cloud, this is Cid, Tifa, Yuffie," he began. "Our conventioneers over there," he said, pointing, "Rude, Yazoo, Loz, Kadaj, Elena, and Tseng." The conventioneers all saluted and waved.

"And…our _special_ guests here, Zack and Reno," Sephiroth purred. "So, what do you all think of my….creation?" he asked.

"He is an inspiration, master," replied Cid. "A credit to your genius."

"Yes, of course," murmured Sephiroth in agreement.

"I like him," replied Tifa. "He is quite lovely!"

"Yes, yes," said Sephiroth , smiling.

"I got his picture, he's cute!" Yuffie chirped.

"That he is, that he is," murmured Sephiroth, agreeing.

"And you two," Sephiroth said, turning to Zack and Reno. "What do _you_ think?"

Zack stammered, "I've—I've never seen anything like this before in my life, it's amazing."

"Well, yes, of course," murmured Sephiroth, reveling in the praise. "And you, you saucy redhead, what say you?"

Reno shrugged indifferently. "He's cute. But I'm not really into blonds."

Sephiroth gasped, and a horrified silence fell over the whole room.

"I didn't make him...for YOU!" he snapped, stomping off in his stiletto-heeled boots.

Zack groaned. "Now you've gone and done it," he scolded Reno. "Way to go, piss off the mad scientist—"

Reno wasn't even listening; he was checking out this creature, this—Cloud, as the master had named him.

_Yeah, _Reno thought_. Normally I don't like blonds. But…I might be able to make an exception here, _he grinned.

* * *

**Yeah, I totally had to quote that line verbatim - "I didn't make him for YOU!" Classic. :)**

**Oh, and I just had Yuffie randomly chucking stuff at Zack and Reno, because it seemed funny. And the chakram, for those who don't know is that circular razor-weapon that Xena used to hurl at everyone.**

**XD**


	3. Chapter 3

The room remained silent for a few moments after Sephiroth stomped off to the side of the room; he was apparently annoyed at Reno's perceived criticism of his beloved 'creation' - the blond man who was still standing there looking confused, and still swathed in bandages.

After a few minutes of this awkward silence, while Sephiroth sulked, and everyone else in the room started uncomfortably at the ceiling or their shoes – Sephiroth, tossing his silver mane over his shoulders bitchily, made his way back toward the group. "Well, really!" Sephiroth barked, glaring at everyone, but Reno in particular. "That's not _quite_ the reaction I was anticipating!" Sephiroth moved closer to Reno, towering over him by nearly a foot, staring daggers at him.

"Um," stammered Reno. "Sorry?" he apologized lamely. "No, really – I didn't mean any offense, he's…um…really cute! I mean, even though I've never been into blonds, I'd totally do him, for sure." Now it was Zack's turn to glare at Reno_. Oh shit_, the Turk thought. _Me and my big mouth… _Reno flinched, suddenly fearful that he'd pissed off Zack, or even worse – perhaps he had incurred Sephiroth's wrath, with his unfiltered comment.

Zack was definitely angry with Reno, but much to everyone's surprise – Sephiroth responded with a deep, guttural laugh. "Ha ha!" he chuckled cheerfully. "I'm glad you've…seen the light, Reno," Sephiroth said, giving Reno a sly wink. "However, I shan't be sharing my Cloud with you on this – this, our wedding night!" Turning to Tifa and Yuffie, Sephiroth clapped his hands. "En garde!" he barked, as the two women came running to his call. "Ah, yes, my kittens," he crooned. "Please – release him, release my Cloud," he cried theatrically, "from those wretched bonds."

Silently, Tifa and Yuffie, armed with scissors, approached the still befuddled Cloud, and began cutting away the constricting bandages; Tifa cutting away those that covered the upper body, while Yuffie, kneeling, cut away those covering the lower body. As the bandages fell away, they revealed a man of average height, but one possessing highly defined muscles, including a six-pack that Sephiroth was quite obviously salivating over.

In short, Cloud was nicely ripped, and the fact was not lost upon anyone in the room. Reno sucked in his breath as the bandages slowly fell from Cloud, as if it were some involuntary sort of strip tease_. What the hell am I thinking,_ Reno said to himself_. I'm with Zack, I'm with Zack…, _he kept telling himself.

_But damn. I've never seen an ass quite so fine as that before…_

Zack gave Reno a suspicious glance. _Granted, Cloud is quite handsome_, Zack thought, _but Reno didn't have to be quite so obvious, the way he's staring lustfully at him. He's practically drooling!_

"So, do you like what you see?" Zack snapped at Reno, jealously.

"Huh?" Reno said absently. "What?" Suddenly Reno seemed to realize that Zack was sporting a very pissed off expression. He decided to try and make nice, before things got even more strained. "I'm just…distracted, yo," Reno said, smiling at Zack, linking arms with his. Zack looked down at Reno coldly. "You know, it's like I'm not even in the damned room," Zack snapped irritably.

"What are you talking about, Zack?" Reno asked, now legitimately concerned_. I might not be as crazy in love with Zack, the way he is with me…but I've never set out to hurt him intentionally._ Suddenly, Reno was starting to feel rather guilty for giving Zack the cold shoulder; particularly in this bizarre castle full of…weirdoes, where the two really had to stick together.

"I'm sorry, Zack," Reno apologized. "I know I've been acting like an ass, and I'm sorry. Things are a little crazy here right now."

Zack smiled. "Thanks, babe," he replied. "I just thought you…weren't into me anymore ," he said sadly. Reno's face fell upon hearing this. "No, baby," he assured Zack. "Don't ever think that. Of course I'm still into you! Although," he said, grinning wickedly, "I'd rather that _you_ were into _me_, if you know what I mean."

Zack blushed. "As soon as we get out of this hell hole," he whispered, "I promise you we'll finally finish what we started before, in the car." Reno smiled, and laid his head on Zack's shoulder. "Okay, baby," Reno whispered. "I'm sorry if I made you angry," he apologized.

"It's okay, Reno," Zack whispered back, smiling. "Let's just get through…whatever the hell this is, and try to get out of here."

Sephiroth clapped his hands like a maniacal child opening presents on Christmas morning, once all of the bandages were cut away from his beloved creation, _his_ Cloud. "Isn't he…magnificent!" Sephiroth crowed obviously quite pleased. "Just…look at him!" Sephiroth orbited around the nonplussed Cloud. "Oh, you _are_ perfect," he whispered to the blond. "Just as I imagined! And tonight, Cloud – tonight is our wedding night!"

Struggling to form the words – any words – Cloud finally attempted to speak. "Wedding…night?" he squeaked. "What…does….that…mean?" he stammered.

"Holy shit, yo," whispered Reno. "Zack, I feel bad for that guy, you know. He's like a newborn, right? And just like that, Sephiroth's gonna…marry him? Then just _bang_ him, I suppose, with no warning…no preparation," Reno reflected.

"Yeah," Zack whispered back. "That's really…not fair, is it," he said glumly.

Tracing his long fingers up the back of Cloud's neck, Sephiroth murmured in his creation's ear. "Yes, my love…we are to be married tonight! You and I will be wed, in just a few minutes!"

"A few _minutes_?" Reno whispered incredulously to Zack. "Dude, this is wrong…we need to try and stop this…"

"But what can we do?" Zack protested. "Look, Reno – I agree with you, I think this is all kinds of fucked up…and while I do feel bad for this Cloud guy, it's really none of our business."

Reno sighed resignedly. "I suppose you're right, " he sulked. "Still…I wish we could do _something_."

"Come now, Cloud, " Sephiroth crooned to his 'creation.' "Cid here will outfit you in your wedding tux. And now I have to change…into something a little nicer than this!" Sephiroth giggled, then paused to give Cloud a searing kiss on the lips. Cloud reached his hand up, fingers touching the spot where Sephiroth had just kissed him, and gazed pensively into the distance.

"Yo," interjected Reno suddenly, as Zack gave him a pointed glare. "Isn't it bad luck to see the bride….er…groom…um, whatever! Before the wedding?"

Tifa and Yuffie froze where they were, awaiting an outburst from the master. It seemed that it would be inevitable, that Sephrioth would not take kindly to this commentary from Reno. Sephiroth raised an eyebrow, as if considering it for the first time. "I suppose, if we were a little more…traditional of a couple, shall we say?" Sephiroth began, chuckling, "we'd probably stick to that very _outdated_ tradition."

"However!" crowed Sephiroth, pointing his finger in the air, as if for emphasis. "However! We are a bit _un_traditional here, Cloud and I!" Sephiroth cackled, throwing an arm around Cloud and pulling him in tight, taking the befuddled blond by surprise. _He looks like a fucking deer in the headlights_, Reno thought sympathetically. _That poor guy, yo. Someone has to do something…to stop this madness._

"Master," Cid interrupted. "Preparations for the ceremony are set. It is time to don your wedding garb…the both of you," he advised, grinning wryly.

"Splendid!" crowed Sephiroth. Turning to Tifa and Yuffie, he began barking out orders. "Tifa! You will help me get dressed….and Yuffie, you attend to my…lovely, lovely bride," Sephiroth said huskily, cupping Cloud's chin and giving him a quick kiss. "Cloud, I shall see you very soon, my sweet…when we are wed!" he chirped, blowing kisses behind him as he exited the room, Tifa trailing him.

Cloud stood there, his fingers slowly rubbing the spot on his face where Sephiroth had just kissed him. "What….what does he mean, 'wed'?" Cloud asked the others in the room, perplexed. "What does that mean?"

"Gods," Reno muttered softly. "This guy really has _no_ idea what's going on. Hey…um, Cloud," Reno said, raising his voice slightly, so that he could be heard above the din. "Sephiroth means…um…," Reno stuttered as he tried to explain the situation to Cloud, as Cid cast a wary eye at Reno. "It's a wedding, yo. That means, um…when two people pledge to love each other, and be faithful…for all eternity."

"Oh," Cloud replied, indifferently. "So…I am to wed…Sephiroth?" he asked hesitantly.

"Apparently so," Reno replied, dryly. "Um…good luck, yo," he told Cloud, as Yuffie ushered him away. Cloud gave Reno a helpless, backward glance, as Yuffie escorted him out of the room. "_Help me_," he mouthed to Reno, as he was led away.

"Did you see that shit, Zack?" Reno hissed at Zack. "That guy does _not_ want to be forced into a marriage with that crazy fucker, and I can't say as I'd blame him! Sephiroth's a little far gone, yo, don't you think?"

"Reno, be _quiet_," Zack begged. "Cid'll hear you!" he warned, as the reticent manservant cast a wary glance at the pair.

"Look, maybe we can...," Reno muttered as he thought out loud. "Maybe we can…I know! Zack, we can object, yo. That's it!" He beamed, seemingly pleased with himself.

"What are you talking about, Reno?" Zack inquired, looking bewildered. Reno just wasn't making any sense to him.

"I mean, Zack," Reno continued patiently, "when they come to that part in the ceremony – you know, the whole 'speak now or forever hold your peace' part – that's when we stand up, yo, and fucking _object_."

Zack frowned, and folded his arms, reflecting on this. It was clear from the expression on his face that he was not sold on Reno's plan. "Based on what, Reno?" Zack asked. "Look, I know how you feel about this, but it's _none of our business_!" he hissed angrily. Generally, Zack admired Reno's tenacity, but this – _this_ - was not one of those times. Now, it was more of an irritation – and a hindrance – than anything else.

"Silence equals death, yo," Reno muttered under his breath, quietly, as he saw Cid casting another suspicious glance his way. He wasn't sure Zack had heard him, but he certainly hoped so.

Suddenly, Tifa re-entered the room, bearing two robes; one in a turquoise silk, the other in red. The turquoise robe had an intricate embroidery on the back, of Phoenix; the red one, displayed an embroidery illustrating Bahamut. She handed the turquoise one to Zack, and the red one to Reno, urging each of them to put it on. "The master expects you to stay for the ceremony, and he wanted you to be…comfortable," she said, sneering as she left the room again.

Zack, shrugging his shoulders, pulled the robe on, tying the belt. "Well…this is actually a pretty nice robe, huh?" he remarked. Reno had put his robe on as well, and caught Zack's eye as he looked up. "Gods, Zack," Reno mumbled, caught off guard. "You…you look hot in that robe, yo," he stammered.

"Actually, I still feel kind of chilly," Zack replied, smiling, clearly not getting it.

Reno groaned. "Zack, you silly ass," he chuckled. "I meant, that you look hot…as in, _handsome." As in, highly fuckable_, Reno thought. He felt his groin stir, as he thought of how he'd like to run his hands over Zack's silk-enclosed arms; Reno could almost feel the smoothness of the silk, as lustful thoughts raced through his head.

Zack's gaze fell upon Reno, and their eyes locked; the first-class SOLDIER knew all too well what that _look_ of Reno's meant – it meant Reno was horny. Zack had to admit that he was having similar carnal thoughts. _As soon as we're out of here_, Zack promised himself, _we're getting a hotel for the weekend, and finally get some time alone together._

Cid appeared in front of the two men, and the rest of the spectators gathered in the large room, and clapped his hands together. "Places, everyone," he commanded. "All guests…please be seated over here," he said, indicating with a sweep of his hand, a row of about two dozen chairs. Reno shrugged his shoulders, and glanced resignedly at Zack. _What choice do we have? _his expression seemed to say.

Sephiroth appeared at the front of the room, clad in a tuxedo jacket...and hot pants. He wore thigh high boots again, but these were in a mottled grayish black snakeskin print. He gazed around at the seated guests, nodding acknowledgement at Zack and Reno - then he gave Reno a sly wink. Zack bristled at this. "Did that fucker just wink at you, Reno?" he hissed. "What the hell?"

"What, Zack, are you jealous?" Reno teased. Softening a bit, when he saw how upset Zack was, Reno whispered, "Hey...don't worry about it. Guy's nuttier than a fucking fruitcake, right? It means nothing to me."

"Good," Zack murmured, clasping Reno's hand within his own, and nuzzling the redhead's neck. "I...um, we..." Zack stammered, having come this close to admitting his feelings to Reno. He inhaled sharply, then tried again. "We need to talk later, when we get out of this insane asylum."

"Yeah," Reno whispered, leaning his head into Zack's shoulder. "We need to talk, all right." And _fuck_, Reno thought, a bit impatiently. He was still feeling frustrated about the makeout session with Zack getting interrupted earlier in the car.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Cid's voice boomed, as he read from a leather-bound book. "We are gathered here to unite these two lovebirds in peace, harmony, and lust." Sephiroth grinned wickedly at the last word, licking his lips. Suddenly, Sephiroth spied Cloud standing at the back of the room, flanked by both Yuffie and Tifa, who were apparently serving as bridesmaids. Sporting a shoulder-length sheer veil, Cloud was clad in white leather hot pants, white knee-high boots, and a white leather vest, that was unbuttoned slightly, exposing a bit of lightly tanned, chiseled abs. Reno's jaw dropped at the sight - he couldn't help it. Zack, he noticed, couldn't stop staring as well. The man looked like an ancient god, clad in ethereal garments.

As much as Reno couldn't help but drool over Cloud, he still felt pity for the man, who looked unsure and out of place, not to mention a bit scared. _This just isn't right!_ Reno thought, frowning. He remained silent, however, as Yuffie and Tifa escorted the hesitant and helpless looking man down the aisle.

"And here comes the bride!" Cid interjected, gesturing toward Cloud. All heads turned to look, as Sephiroth took two steps forward and grasped Cloud by the hands, dragging him back toward the front of the room. "Quickly, Cid!" Sephiroth commanded, grinning devilishly at Cloud. "Let's get on with it, shall we? The sooner we get through the ceremony, the sooner we can consummate the marriage!" Cloud stood dumbly in front of Sephiroth, half smiling, but clearly having no idea of what was going on.

"Look at him," Reno hissed to Zack. "The poor guy has no fucking clue what he's in for."

"I know," Zack whispered. "It's really a shame, but what can we do?"

"Yes, of course, master," Cid droned, poring over his book. "Let's see, where was I? Ah yes. Blah blah blah, we are gathered here, yadda yadda, in friendship, love and lust, by the powers vested in me by whomever, I now pronounce you bound and wed. Sephiroth, you may fuck the bride!" he crowed.

Both Reno's and Zack's eyebrows shot up by half an inch. "Well," Zack observed dryly, "I've never heard of THAT being part of a wedding ceremony."

"Yeah," Reno replied. "Makes Kunsel and Cissnei's wedding seem pretty fucking vanilla," he chortled.

Sephiroth clapped his hands gleefully, and kissed Cloud on the lips; then, in one swift motion, slung the blond over his shoulder as if he were a sack of potatoes. "To our wedding chamber! Thank you all for coming!" he shouted to the gathered witnesses, as he exited the room.

Reno and Zack stood up from their chairs, hesitantly applauding the newlyweds, as others were doing. "The fuck was that?" Reno inquired.

Tifa and Yuffie suddenly appeared in front of Zack and Reno. "The master has instructed us to show you to your rooms," she droned, in a bored monotone.

"Rooms?" Zack asked nervously. "We're not...staying in the same room together?"

"No," Yuffie said flatly, hooking her arm into Zack's. "You're not." Tifa grabbed Reno's arm, and escorted him off in the opposite direction of Zack and Yuffie. Zack cast a helpless, backward glance at Reno. "I'll...think of something!" he whispered.

Reno groaned. Bad enough they were stuck here, now he was being separated from Zack; the Turk didn't like this one bit. His wheels started turning, as he began to formulate a plan to bust himself and Zack out of the castle - and perhaps rescue Cloud from the mad clutches of Sephiroth, while he was at it.


End file.
